The Theory of Three

Closer than the clique on Saved by the Bell. Hotter than the group on 90210. More dramatic than the gang on California Dreams. Cooler than the Smurfs. Longer lasting than Friends. Sexier than the cast of Melrose Place. Fresher than The Hills. More classic than Dawson’s Creek. Feistier than those on One Tree Hill.

Justin is our “get out of jail free card.”

Amber is our constant dose of analogies.

I’m still not quite sure what my role is.

And Greg, well Greg has philosophies on life. He’s the Aristotle of our time. Theories so controversial that some retaliate in utter shock in horror, while others can’t muster up the words to respond. How about you? What is your position on Greg Johnson’s infamous, “Theory of Three”?

It was a reunion weekend that started out like any other. Our late night in Uptown included a strange woman trying to jump off a balcony, Am trying to break in to the water closet, myself suggesting nose jobs to those in dire need, Justin locating every exit of the building and recording mentally every passerby, then there was Greg… philosophizing.

Just prior to me falling in love with soccer and the FIFA World Cup, we all shared a delicious lunch together. “A bird just used the restroom on my arm and I feel like we need to make a bigger deal about it,” I exclaimed after quickly wiping the bird droppings off my huge, muscular arm. More attention would not be granted though. Not because it’s not important, because it is very, very important that such tragedy took place. It’s because Greg Johnson, hereafter referred to simply as ‘GJ’, was in the midst of sharing is latest philosophy on life. In my opinion, it is his most ridiculously absurd theory to date; The Theory of Three.

“I have a theory,” GJ began.

Just like clockwork, the rest of asked in unison, “What’s your theory, Greg?”

“I have a theory that if a man doesn’t share a ‘physical relationship’ (UH-HUM) with a woman by the third date, then there is absolutely, positively, no way, under any circumstance that there is potential for a long-term relationship with that person.”

Pardon the tacky terminology… “Where I come from, that’s called a whore, GJ!” My voice was raised, not quite a yell, but almost.

I can’t remember verbatim, but Am’s response came via an analogy, as always. She spoke with a tone of equal dismay.

Justin, well, he didn’t say a word. My hope is that he believes GJ’s theory to be so outlandish that it didn’t even warrant response. My fear is that he agreed but was gentleman enough not to let the ladies of the table know.

“I mean it,” Greg continued. “Think about it. If you’re not attracted to someone by the third time you spend time together, then how could you spend the rest of your life with that person?”

Confession:

After letting GJ’s theory stew for a month, I have to admit that I agree (only partially) with this theory of his. I’d go so far as to modify his philosophy into ‘The Theory of One.’ I should be attracted to someone after date number one. This doesn’t, however, merit the necessity to become ‘physically’ involved with that person. Let’s consider banks and money. Banks are home to enough money to pay for the rest of my grad school, purchase a new car, and provide some spending money. I want that money. It’s appealing to me. It doesn’t, however, mean that I’m going to put my hands all over the money and rob the bank. As responsible adults, we practice self control… as much as possible, anyway.

Which brings us to this; are we debating over varying values or diverse measures of self-control?

Either way, GJ’s theory held enough clout to inspire our minds to ponder and our recipe wheels to start turning.

In reverence to this present-day Aristotle, Am and I teamed up to create “Theory of Three cake” inspired by the intellect or perhaps idiocy of Greg Johnson.

We searched high and low for three different cake recipes, one to represent each of the three dates. Neither of us is much fond of box cakes, so we were dead set on making three homemade cake recipes. Then the thought dawned on us. If this cake is to accurately represent GJ’s theory, then boxed cakes are the more efficient option. They’re cheap, easy, generic, and leave a nasty after taste, just like any woman who whole heartedly agrees with GJ’s latest theory.

His theory, to most men, I expect is ideal. The icing, as a result, is a made from scratch; rich and creamy. It looks good on the outside, its the inside when the not-so-yummy occurs.

Like throwing one’s self upon the stacks of money in the bank, the third date is highly attractive and overwhelmingly appealing. It’s sneaky though. Robbing a bank leaves you lonely in an empty jail cell. Cheap box cakes, or girls, are fun while they last, but leave you empty and wondering “Why did I waste my calorie count on generic cake/girl that I can get on any ole grocery store aisle/ street corner?”

Lesson learned: The beauty is in the waiting. Homemade cakes take much longer, but are much more valuable, not to mention incredibly yummy.